What do I do?
I spread the word of the lord.
I can perform weddings, whether they be gay or strait, I do not discriminate, unless instructed by the law of the state.
If the state should strike you down, I can officially affirm your love. It's similar to wedding, except you lack any legal benefits, but you get a certificate of authenticity, and I guarantee a good time!
Have you just had a child? Released a former fetus into a bright new world? I can baptize it, and I shall. My baptisms are like no other (current method pending).
I can distribute religious titles
I can deliver communion, take confessions (and I promise my methods of attonement are much more calm than certain other clergy men).
And for any doubters, here is my certificate to prove my involvement within the church.
And with that I wish you all well. Peace be with you. And remember... Judge not lest ye be judged.